Porn Wars
by vlbuehle
Summary: Lifted from the st kinkme: “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!” Kirk yelled, throwing up his hands in shock and looking at his crew with an acute cross of envy and horror. “How much porn do you people have?” Crackfic


A/N: Prompt taken from the now-defunct st_kinkme. Um, yeah. Sheer, utter, shameless crack.

_Prompt: "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" Kirk yelled, throwing up his hands in shock and looking at his crew with an acute cross of envy and horror. "How much porn do you people have?"_

* * *

Somehow the conversation of today's impromptu meeting had turned to porn. Really, it wasn't that surprising; the command crew of the Enterprise was painfully young and therefore extremely horny, and they _were_ on a five year mission. Hell, Jim couldn't say a word since he'd brought his own rather extensive collection; it was tucked away in his closet, where it remained unless he could talk Bones into a little "research" on how valid any of the good scenes were. He licked his lips at the memory of the day Bones had come back to find him watching _Hottie's Hospital_—playing doctor was, he'd found, a great deal more fun when you had a real doctor to play with. His ass had been deliciously sore for _days_…

He tuned back into the conversation in time to catch "_Vulcan Babes Gone Wild_," and nearly choked on his moonshine when he realized it was sweet, innocent Chekov who'd said it. And did he know about that one? Uhura snorted and flung back her shot before slamming the empty glass back onto the table with a challenging look at the Russian Ensign.

"Hah!" she pronounced, pointing one of those wicked nails at the kid. "_Vulcans on Vacation_ is _so_ much better! Their cocks…" she trailed off with a purr, and Jim's shocked gaze locked on her. Uhura? Icy long-legged Uhura who'd shot down his every pass mercilessly, who was fucking _Spock_ for God's sake…Uhura had porn? Porn he'd never even heard of before?

"Personally, I prefer _Andorian Ardour,"_ Gaila put in smugly. "Trust me, those guys can do things with their antenna you would not believe."

Okay, Gaila having porn wasn't exactly surprising, although it was more surprising that Jim couldn't place it immediately since he and Gaila had taken inspiration from just about all of her collection at some point or another.

"_Starship Babes,_" Scotty announced with the fervor of the fairly intoxicated. "All those beautiful women. All those engine struts. All those _tools._"

"I've never looked at a hydrospanner the same way," Sulu confided, and they shared a toast. Jim's jaw slowly dropped.

"I like _Tentacle Torture_ myself when I'm in the mood for something really exotic," Christine Chapel announced to the table and Jim stared at her in mingled horror and fascination. He'd never heard of that one either and he was pretty sure he didn't really want to know. Tentacles? Yeah, he could really think of a couple of species it could apply to, but who'd want to watch that?

"All those pretty boys and girls," Christine continued solemnly. "And the tentacles…ooh." She fanned herself and Gaila leaned forward.

"I've never seen that one. Could I borrow it?"

They were having him on, Jim decided. It was some massive conspiracy. There was no way this was for real—except maybe it was, because Pavel—_Pavel,_ for Christ's sake!—was asking for it next. He wasn't sure which was worse, his crew having so much porn, or his crew having so much porn that he'd never even heard of. He downed another shot in consolation.

The door whooshed open and he peered hopefully over, beaming at the sight of his husband hurrying in. The impromptu meetings for the command staff were Jim's invention, a time for them to get fairly well plastered on moonshine, depending on who had the next day off or at least beta shift, and let their hair down. By his express command there was no formality here; he'd had his fill of breaking his crew from saluting him in the midst of emergencies and the like, and he'd been craving normality. Even Uhura's cool sarcasm had been a blessed relief.

To his bemusement, they'd jumped on it. To his shock, it hadn't turned into bitchfests aimed solely at him; they bitched about _everything_. To his delight, the result had been a command crew who was comfortable working together, trusted each other, and gelled into a cohesive team far more quickly than even Jim had anticipated.

Hence the porn talk of today. Wasn't quite what he'd had in mind, but hey, he'd go with it.

Still, it was a relief to have the last member of the command crew arrive. Bones had sent Christine up when he'd gotten bogged down in a last minute broken leg, but the idea of sanity arriving was a welcome one. Nobody pushed Bones too far, informal or not—the man had a wicked jab with a hypo and authority to override every one of them if he wanted to push it.

"What'd I miss, kiddo?" he asked sotto voce as he sat and poured himself a hefty shot of Scotty's latest concoction.

"Porn," Jim supplied glumly, waving a hand at the battle raging between Sulu and Nyota on the finer points of anime porn. Bones cocked a brow, listening for a moment.

"Me, I like the real life stuff," he said cheerfully and Jim stared at the imposter sitting beside him who was most definitely _not_ his husband. Even worse he knew Bones' tells cold—the man wasn't joking.

Oh, fuck. This wasn't a prank. Jim's mind gibbered incoherently for a moment.

"I concur," Spock proclaimed and shell-shocked blue eyes shifted to the First Officer. "I have greatly enjoyed the _Chicks Gone Wild_ series Nyota has shared with me."

Jim's brain spontaneously combusted at the idea of Spock and Nyota watching…oh, God, there wasn't enough moonshine in the universe for that mental image.

"Although," Spock added thoughtfully, "I am fond of the _Orion Orgy_ series." The what? He'd never even heard a whisper of that!

That did it.

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" Kirk yelled, throwing up his hands in shock and looking at his crew with an acute cross of envy and horror. "How much porn do you people _have?"_


End file.
